Editor’s note: Just in case someone gets a tad confused, do please keep in mind that the following is NOT a true story (shock, horror). Mr Barkin is not a real person. But, unfortunately, there are many vulnerable people out there who do fall for scams like those outlined in Barkin’s story. Perhaps, at some level, there’s a little bit of Barkin in each and every one of us, yeah?
Submitted by Barkin M. Barnaleg The Third
Hey, great news everybody! I’m about to be very rich!
A few days ago, I got an email from Mr Daniel Matthews, a former Marine sniper who is currently working in Afghanistan. He said in the email that he made $10,500,000.00 in an oil deal, which he has hidden away as cash. I had no idea olive oil was such a lucrative business! But, apparently, because of his former status in the US military, there are some barriers to him getting the cash back to his home in the US. That’s where I come in. He needs my help to accept a shipment of goods, which will include the hidden cash. And, in exchange for helping him, I get to keep a heap of the money!
Daniel has now agreed to give me $5 million in exchange for helping him! At first, he only wanted to give me $3 million. But, I’m pretty tough and savvy when it comes to business, so I insisted that I wouldn’t do any deal with him for less than 5 million. Nobody pulls the wool over my eyes! Ha!
The money should be delivered to me within ten days. All as beautiful cash! So excited! I can’t wait to see what $10,500,000 in cash looks like. Should be bloody awesome!
I do need to send him around $3000 up front, so he can arrange for the shipment of the cash and bribe a few customs people. Apparently, he can’t actually access any of the cash himself right now without raising suspicion, so he needs me to send him some money via Western Union to get it sorted. I don’t mind at all. What does $3000 matter when I’ll soon be getting $5 million?
Actually, things have been a bit tight financially, so I did have to get a personal loan to cover the $3000, but I’ll be able to pay it back in full in a couple of weeks, so it’s not really a problem. Can’t wait to see the bank teller’s face when I march in and pay off the loan AND my house mortgage in cash!
I have this negative mate who reckons it’s all a scam and I’m getting ripped off. But, I mean really! Daniel Matthews is a military man who’s had a prestigious career. He was a bit modest about it, but, apparently, he won the Medal of Honor, not once, but three times! Plus, the Victoria Cross AND the Dicken Medal! As if a bloke like that would tell me lies! I mean, really!
I think it must be my lucky week! Just this morning, I got an email from the Australian Taxation Office to let me know that they had miscalculated and they actually owe me a refund of several hundred dollars. I clicked the link in the message and filled in a refund form. Took me awhile, because they wanted my bank login info, my credit card details and my driver’s licence number as well as where I lived, my mother’s maiden name, and even my email account password. Damned government departments. So much red tape! But, I managed to get through all the forms and a message said that the money will be in my account within five business days. So, I guess it was worth it.
Mind you, I was surprised at how bad the spelling and grammar was in the email and on the website. It was pretty dodgy! Bit of a indication that our edumcation system might not be working to well when even ATO staff can’t spell proper, I reckon.
I feel so lucky right now that I jumped online and went on a bit of a competition entry blitz on Facebook. I have a good feeling that I’m going to win a Range Rover because I liked, shared, and commented like it told me. Plus, there was this other Facebook Page that said I could win a house by filling in a survey. How weird would it be if I won both of those? You never know, though. You gotta be in it to win it!
But, just in case you think I’m too money hungry, I’ll have you know that I also help others whenever I can. Just this morning, I liked, shared, and commented on a picture of this poor little kid with cancer. Apparently, Facebook is going to give $1 per like, $5 per share, and $10 per comment to help pay for the kid’s medical bills. Hey, I don’t mind helping out. It’s the least I can do.
Plus, there was this other post that said that I could help another sick kid just by liking, sharing, and typing “Amen”. Which I did, of course. I can’t pretend that I know a lot about theology and stuff, but I suppose, in this day and age, even God might have a Facebook Page and Him and His son must take notice of how many likes a prayer post gets. I’d hate to think that some poor little kid died needlessly because I didn’t type “Amen” and Jesus didn’t get enough Facebook likes to intervene and save the kid’s life.
Mind you, you shouldn’t believe everything you read on Facebook, you know. People say the weirdest stuff. After I told my Facebook friends about my recent good luck, one of them came back with this strange comment that if you say “gullible” really slowly it sounds like “oranges”. It doesn’t! Just to be sure, I said it over and over again REALLY slowly for about ten or 15 minutes and it still sounded like “gullible” to me.
I told her she was wrong, and she replied with just the letters “LOL”. Which I guess explains it, because, apparently, “LOL” stands for “Lucifer Our Lord”. So, she must be some sort of horrible Satanist! Of course, I unfriended her immediately.
This other bloke on my friends list told me that the word “gullible” isn’t in the dictionary. I think he must have a really crappy dictionary. Because, I checked several of the dictionaries I have around the house, plus a couple of online ones and they ALL have the word “gullible” in them. Fair dinkum, some people are as thick as two short planks.
By the way, here’s the letter from Daniel, in case you wanted to have a look. (Actually, I guess I’m just gloating by including it here, because I know you’ll be thinking “No fair, why didn’t I get this chance?”. Just good luck, I suppose).
I am Daniel Matthews from Lockport New York, I am a retired Marine Sniper, I worked recluse missions for the US Secretary of Defense in Vietnam,Cambodia,Panama, Grenada, Falkland Islands, Colombia, Nicaragua, Lebanon, and even on Desert Storm and currently working as an independent military contractor for training members of the USMC International Military Staff (USMC IMS) as was Head of Strategic Sniper Communications Advisor (PASCAD) Resolute Support Mission here in kabul Afghanistan. Myself and couple of higher rank officers within the US Army made some Crude Oil deal with an Afghanistan based refinery to get direct supply from Iraq,BUSINESS went well and deal made a whooping sum of $132 Million U.S Dollars and after we all shared the money I later realized $10.5 Million U.S Dollars which is my share of the deal, due to my status as a US Marine Veteran, I cannot be able to move this huge funds to my account in United States to avoid further interrogation or face any kind of probation by the U.S Government. I am seeking your assistance to evacuate my share of $10,500,000.00 (Ten Million, Five Hundred Thousand United States Dollars) as far as I can be assured that this information will be safe in your care because with the help of a German envoy i had been able to secure this cash within some personal items like clothes,arts,books,shoes and awards in two consignment boxes and had it cleared at the Afghanistan Defense Postal Office declared as my family property items because that is the military secret of sending things from here to other part of the world through borders and airports to bypass customs X-ray scan. Your acceptance to this would encourage me to send further information for us to proceed.
Furthermore, if my offer is of no appeal to you, delete this message and forget I ever contacted you. Do not destroy my Career because you do not approve of my proposal. I believe that such opportunities only come once in a lifetime. I cannot let this chance pass me by. For once I find myself in total control of my destiny. This chance won’t pass me by. I ask that you do not destroy my chance, if you will not work with me let me know and let me move on with my life. If you give me positive signals, I will give you the relevant details and initiate this process towards concluding agreements on how much i am willing to pay you and other necessary agreements. I send you this mail not without a measure of fear as to what the consequences, but I know within me that nothing ventured is nothing gained and that success and riches never come easy or on a platter of gold.
If you wish to proceed with this, please get back to me and also provide me with your ALTERNATIVE EMAIL or means of contacting you and then i shall be confident enough to share detailed information of how i want us to go about this.
Anyway, I’ll keep you posted.